Either & Or for the Poor & 24
I am 24 years old and I enjoy good toilet paper, food and alcohol, but when you’re as poor as I am, these things aren’t always attainable.
Times are tough right now. Things have gotten to the point to where I have to calculate how many times I take a shit in a day so I know how much toilet paper to buy. God forbid I ever eat an unplanned burrito. That can result in an awkward waddle to the kitchen for a paper towel that will ultimately end in regret because it leaves your ass raw. Or worse, you end up with a ruined wash cloth or sock.
There are also the dreaded times when your budget requires you to choose between alcohol and toilet paper. In instances such as this one you simply go to the gas station and slip a roll from the bathroom in your purse and head to the bar!
Now going to the bar takes some strategic planning. If you are anything like me, you aren’t a huge fan of beer. I have been cursed with a taste for liquor. I prefer expensive whisky or a shot or four of fireball. This leaves me with some less than ideal options:
A. Arrive at the bar at 4 pm and drink cheap happy hour draft until you’re so drunk your personal party continues well until after your friends finally arrive at an acceptable hour.
B. Go to the bar scantily clad, later than everyone because they are probably already drunk and hit on the most drunk, desperate man you can find and try to get free drinks.
The largest negative about option B is you have to plan an escape route away from your liquor sugar daddy before he starts to get handsy.
What happens after the bar is also very important. When you drink, you get hungry. You need money for food. The key to being able to eat is to map out restaurants where you can buy food with change that you find in your car. Car change is very important for poor drunks. Drunk food is usually food trucks that sell burritos. When you’re drunk, you tend to not think about real life and you buy the burrito anyway. It’s delicious and helps lessen your inevitable hangover, but what happens the morning after is a reminder that you are poor. You will be wiping your ass with a sad excuse for toilet paper that you stole from the gas station because you had to have that burrito. And while you are sitting uncomfortably on you throne of misery, you reflect on your decision to go to the bar. Because you chose the bar, you have shitty toilet paper (pun intended). Because you went to the bar, you got drunk and ate a burrito. Because of the burrito, you are forced to use the shitty toilet paper. The toilet paper is so shitty that you use all of it throughout the purging of the previous evening’s evils. You eventually have no choice but to use your sock. In conclusion, toilet paper shouldn’t be so fucking expensive.