First off, let me start by saying that I’m not an English major. I’ll mess up grammar and punctuation. I’m sorry. I also have a sick baby attached to my boob and she periodically smacks my phone screen.I’m a mother of two. I stay home all day and lose my sanity while my husband works. My best friends shit themselves and live on breast milk and chicken nuggets. I don’t know when I last washed my hair, and I’m pretty sure these pants have piss on them. I still wouldn’t consider this a job. I don’t think being a mom should be labeled as a job. And I refuse to change my Facebook information to say, “army wife, toughest job in the military.” I hate that shit.Kids are difficult. That’s why two is my limit. There are days I want to cut myself open and burn my ovaries just to make sure. I’d put the ashes on a boat, send the boat off, and then sink the boat.My son has sensory issues, and it makes life hard sometimes. We don’t go out a lot, because I haven’t learned what sets him off. All I know is he fucking hates when I touch his TV. “Don’t touch it. NO NO NO NO.”He calls me “He He,” apparently MaMa is too mainstream. Whatever. It’s hilarious and cute when I hear, “HEEEEHEEEEEE help. I’m stuck.”My daughter doesn’t do much. She’s young. She cries a lot and doesn’t let me do anything. She consumes my life force and leaves me a crying mess.I don’t know why I’m telling you this, I know it’s ridiculous. This is my life, I have no idea what else to write about. My crippling debt? My obsession with cats? My desire to be the very best?POKEMONI don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I have no outlet for stress or anger. I end up yelling at my cat for being fat, or I people watch and judge them in my head.It’s 2014. People watching is fucking great. Pregnant teens. Little shits who bitch because they only got a new iPhone for their birthday. Worn out parents who just shove money in their kids mouth to keep them quiet. What happened to discipline? Can’t even yell at your kid anymore without a threat of CPS.Parents are afraid of what societies new “gentle approach” will label them. So, 15 year old Rebecca gets to whore her way around high school and gets knocked up. “Where did we go wrong?”Did you tell her no and earn respect? No? There’s your problem. I was forced to pay my bills before the age of 18. I had to balance work, school, and sports. Hard work. Try it.I’ve been so tempted to trip some of these spoiled ass wipes when in public. The things they say and do make my skin crawl. Hell, I’m only 24 and I feel like my wisdom is light years ahead of these 18 year olds.Knowledge has suddenly become a bad thing. And the youth worship made up words and shitty music. What the fuck is a “thot”? Stop saying swag.I want to beat their asses. They’re our future. We are doomed. I want to raise my kids in a forest somewhere. Home school them. Keep them away from technology. Keep them from the society that is killing knowledge. How long can I protect them? Can I really keep them from hashtags and lil (insert stupid fucking rap name)?I’m one step away from packing up and building a cabin. My kids will have to read books and write letters to people! With a pencil and paper. Gasp. I’m so awful. How dare I deprive my kids of iPhones, Twitter, celeb gossip, and MTV?Shame on me for asking my kids to use their brains to the full potential.Mom out.
Sent from my fucking iPhone. Fuck my life.